Adult Jokes

The other day I told my girl I want a little pussy, she told me "so do I”

I saw a sheep driving on the way to the beech today. He was in a lamb-bikini

Who’s the most popular man at a nudist beach? The one who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 doughnuts. Who’s the most popular woman at a nudist beach? The one who can eat that last doughnut

What's the difference between your job and your wife? After five years, your job still sucks.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it!

What’s the difference between Michael Phelps and hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race

Do you have home insurance? Because you’re about to get your back door smashed in

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He saw the snowblower coming.

How does a hooker get paid? In come

What did one vagina lip say to the other? We used to be soooo tight.

What do woman put behind their ears to make them more attractive? Their legs

How do you circumcise a Hill Billy? Kick his sister in the jaw.

A cook get's a new gig on a commercial freight ship.  He set's out to inspect the galley and take stock of what all is aboard.  Everything seemed in order; except for one weird phenomena.  Every potato aboard was carved into the shape of a penis.  He went to the captain explaining that he wanted to get a fresh order of potatoes.  The captain responded, "That's not gonna happen son, this is a dictatorship”

I’ve never been in a car crash before but I wouldn’t mind hitting your rear end

The "Sum Bitches"

What do you do when your cats dead? Play with the neighbors pussy

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

When I canceled my appointment at the sperm bank, the nurse asked me why. I told her, "I just can't come today."

What’s the difference between a priest and a rabbi? A rabbi cuts them off, a priest sucks them off.

Why are gay dudes so rude? Because they’re fucking assholes

What's worse than waking up with a dick drawing on your face? Finding out it was traced.

My wife says I only have two faults: I don't listen, and something else.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes

How is buying a hooker the same as buying a footlong sandwich? Both could have been avoided if your wife did her job

Why do Mexicans cross the border in two's and not three's? Because the sign says no tres passing

What is osama bin ladens favorite football team? The New York jets…… osama would rate that joke.. 9/11

What’s the difference between a magicians wand and a policeman’s baton? The magicians wand is used for cunning stunts.

What does nail polish and panties have in common? With a little bit of alcohol they both come right off.

What do you call a Mexican fighting vs priest? Alien vs predator

10 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most bautiful woman in the world to marry me. All three said no

What’s another name for coming inside a woman? Loading the dishwasher

What do you call two lesbians in a closet? The liquor cabinet

What do police hotlines and glory holes have in common? They both rely on anonymous tips

The other night I was going down on my girl and said “geez you got a big pussy, geez you got a big pussy” she goes “why did you say it twice” I said “I didn’t”

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised... then we didn't speak for three days.

What is it called when Mrs. Claus wears pants that are too small? Missel Toe

My wife gets angry that I keep introducing her as my ex girlfriend

Why is being in the military like a blow job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said 'Nothing would make me happier than diamonds.' So I got her nothing.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise releasing-from-jail party.

I opened a club for men with Erectile dysfunction. It was a flop no one came.

Took the kids to the library and asked the librarian for a book on men with small penises. She told me “I don’t know if it’s in yet” I said “yeah that’s the one”

What does a deaf gynecologist do? He reads lips.

Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

I need a password eight characters long. Apparently mypenis isn’t long enough. But hispenis is.

A man looses his 3 fingers and heads to the ER, he asks the doctor ‘will I be able to drive on it?’, doctor says ‘maybe, but I wouldnt count on it’

What’s the difference between people and chocolate? We can still buy dark chocolate.

My lesbian friends got me a golden watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said I wanna watch.

What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme.

When is it okay to beat up a midget? When he stands next to your wife and says her hair smells good

A husband and wife are going out for the evening

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature? Tequila Mockingbird

Transgender people aren’t what they used to be

Why do so many Mexican girls get pregnant in high school? Because they mis understood the teacher when he said to do an essay.

Why isn’t there a pregnant barbie doll? Because Ken came in a different box.

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Did you hear about the big sale? It’s in my bedroom, clothes are 100% off.

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.

Why did Rudolph get asked to leave the party? He was too lit

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Because they don't have any.

I’m gonna call you my haunted house, because I scream every time I’m in you.

My wife took her shirt off in an argument where I was winning. It was a booby trap

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please? Waitress: slaps me across the face. The men I please are none of your business!"

You know why Jewish guys are circumcised? Because Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 10% off.

What’s the medical term for Viagra? Mycoxaflopin

Why do black people have nightmares? Because they shot the last one who had a dream

Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stopped at 3 hoes.

How do you get a nun pregnant? Have the alter boy fart in her lap

What’s got 148 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper

I childproofed my house, but somehow they still get in.

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot Bartender: Where did you buy it? "At the market," replied the parrot

What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The head nurse

What’s another name for coming inside a woman? Loading the dishwasher

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

Someone told me my clothes were gay, I said yeah they came out of the closet this morning

I don't have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

What does the vagina and the mafia have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

What does a robot do after sex? He nuts and bolts

I have a tendency to eat everything in front of me. That’s why I could never be a gynecologist.

When I was in college I was rejected from every fraternity because I was circumcised. Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds? Woman “well, yes I suppose”. Churchill “how about for 5 pounds?” Woman “What kind of woman do you take me for?” Churchill: “We’ve already established what kind of woman you are, now we’re just negotiating a price”

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

What’s the difference between Wuhan and Vegas. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

Hey are you a BBQ, cuz you look like something I wanna slap my meat on.

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's doorbell, holding a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls up her skirt, rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers." "Don't be silly," says Paddy... "You must have a vase Somewhere!"

Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer? Because when they run the grass tickles their balls.

What is Winnie the poohs grandmothers name? Poo Nani

Hey girl are you a termite? cuz you're about to have a mouthful of wood.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? 'How do you breathe through that tiny thing?'

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.

Why did God give Yeast Infections to women? So that they would know what it means to live with an irritated cunt!

Stewardess "would you like some headphones?" Man: "How'd you know my name is phones?”

I’m gonna call you my scary warewolf. Cuz you’re gonna be howling all night

What does going down on an old woman taste like? Depends.

Do you know what a cream pie is? If not I can fill you in

What do you call an Indian dating site? Connect the dots.

What do sea animals and lesbians have in common? They both choke on cucumbers

What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t jelly my cock down your throat