Where does Captain Hook buy his hooks? At the second-hand store.
I asked my phone: "Siri, why am I so bad with women?" She said: "I'm Alexa you moron."
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating spaghetti. Now I'm feeling cannelloni
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.