Long Jokes

Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw one cigarette overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'

Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and a genie pops out. The genie says, 'I'll give each of you one wish.' The first guy says, 'I want to be 100 times smarter than I am now.' Poof! He becomes a rocket scientist. The second guy says, 'I want to be 1000 times smarter.' Poof! He becomes a brain surgeon. The third guy says, 'I want to be 10000 times smarter.' Poof! He turns into a woman.

A man walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door. 'Sir, I'm afraid your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.' The man says, 'That's ridiculous. My dog doesn't even own a bike.'

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps, 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says, 'Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There's a silence, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the guy says, 'OK, now what?'

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices a jar full of money on the counter and asks the bartender about it. The bartender says, 'You put in $10 and complete three challenges, you win all the money.' The guy asks what the challenges are. 'First, you have to drink a gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull in the back with a sore tooth that needs pulling. Third, there's an 80-year-old woman upstairs who's never been satisfied.' The guy puts in $10, chugs the hot sauce, then stumbles to the back room. There's barking and screaming for 20 minutes. Then it goes quiet. The guy walks out, clothes torn, and says, 'Alright, where's the old lady with the sore tooth?'

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says 'If you want punch, you'll have to wait in line.' The guy looks around but doesn't see a line. 'Where's the line?' he asks. The bartender points and says 'Over there... the punchline.'

A boy asks his father, 'Dad, are bugs good to eat?' 'That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner,' the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, 'Now, son, what did you want to ask me?' 'Oh, nothing,' the boy says. 'There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone.'

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls over and asks the farmer what he's doing. The farmer replies, 'I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.' 'How?' asks the man. 'Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.'

A man walks into a pet shop and says, 'I'd like to buy a wasp, please.' The shopkeeper says, 'I'm sorry, sir, we don't sell wasps.' The man replies, 'But you've got one in the window.'

A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collided at sea. Apparently, the survivors were marooned.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. 'What do you call that?' asks the bartender. 'I call him Tiny, because he's my newt.'

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, 'That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her, 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says, 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00. He checks his wallet and beckons to the exceptionally attractive bartender. 'Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?' he asks. 'Yes,' she purrs. 'I am.' He replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich.'

Two guys are walking through a forest when they come across a huge hole. 'Wow, that looks deep,' says one. 'Let's throw a rock in to see how deep it is.' They throw a rock and wait... nothing. 'Let's throw something bigger.' They find a log and heave it in. Still nothing. Then they spot an old transmission from a car. They pick it up and throw it in. Suddenly a goat comes running through the woods and leaps into the hole. A farmer walks up and asks, 'Have you seen my goat?' 'Yeah, it just ran past and jumped in this hole!' 'That's impossible,' says the farmer. 'I had him tied to an old transmission.'

A man is walking through the woods when he finds a lamp. He rubs it and a genie appears. 'I'll grant you three wishes,' says the genie. The man thinks and says, 'I want a billion dollars.' Poof! A mountain of cash appears. 'For my second wish, I want a beautiful mansion.' Poof! An incredible estate materializes. 'And for my third wish... I want to be irresistible to women.' Poof! He turns into a box of chocolates.

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, 'You should've been here at 8:30!' He replies, 'Why? What happened at 8:30?'

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, 'Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?' The librarian replies, 'It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not.'

A man goes to a doctor and says, 'Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.' The doctor asks, 'What do you mean?' The man says, 'When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my knee, it really hurts. When I touch my forehead, it really hurts.' The doctor says, 'I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger.'