Dad Joke Jokes

Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the street? It got stuck in the crack

So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter. Which sucks because he had a great fall.

My daughter asked me if I had seen the dog bowl. said, "No, I didn't even know he could.

A sweater I just bought was full of static electricity. So I returned it. The guy gave me another one free of charge.

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind its too cheesy

What do you call a song that doesnt show up? A dead beat

My son asked me, "Dad, what are condoms used for?" I said, "Usually to avoid answering questions like this one."

The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country. I think they’re in de Nile.

I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer the other day, I think he must have laced them with something funny cause I've been tripping all day

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

What does a Grizzly say when he calls customer service. Just bear with me.

What do Mexicans do at the beach? They Burri-toes at in the sand

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

I’m giving my chimney away for free. You could say it’s on the house.

Why are balloons so expensive? Inflation.

The female janitor at work keeps asking me if I want to smoke a joint with her. I always say no because I simply can't handle High maintenance woman.

I tripped over your moms bra today. It was a booby trap

I went to MacDonald's and ordered 2 large fries. They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead.

I just learned the medical name for Viagra. Mycoxaflopin.

Dated a Swiss girl once, broke up with her soon as I got to her home town. There were just too many red flags

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, do you have any books on pavlovs dogs and schrodingers cat? The librarian says “It rings a bell, but I’m not sure if its here or not”

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

A thief broke into my house middle of the night to look for money. So I got up and looked with him.

I got fired from the clock factory. I thought putting extra hours in was a good idea.

Why do people in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because dawn is tough on Greece.

My wife told me I need to start embracing my mistakes, so I gave her a hug

How much does Santa pay to park the sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.

Why do you burry a lawyer 10 feet deep instead of 6? Because deep down they really are good people.

Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir? I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.

5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants. Now they're tenants.

What kind of house weighs less than others? A light house

I saw two cows smoking weed and playing poker. The steaks were high

If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting arrest?

What do you call two guys from Mexico playing basketball? Juan on Juan

What do you call a mushroom that went to a party? A Fungi

It was my wife's birthday last week, she kept leaving jewelry magazines all over the house. So I got her a magazine organizer.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekabo accident. They put me in the ICU.

What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out

What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business? Amazon Web Services.

Why did the crab cross the road? It didnt, it used a sidewalk

What do you call a hen looking at a pile of lettuce? A chicken seas a salad.

Shout out to my grandma. Because thats the only way she can hear you.

What kind of plants go in the bathroom? Toiletrees

Why does the Norwegian navy use barcodes? It’s so they can Scandinavian

Why are men such good cooks? Because with just two eggs and a sausage they can fill a belly for 9 months

What do you call a fish that practices medicine? A sturgeon.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

Sunday was a sad day. But the day before that was a sadder day. Who knows, the day after it could be very mundane.

What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.

Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts.

Why shouldn't you trust trees? They seem shady.

What kind of Marshall arts do they teach in Israel? Jiu Jitsu

Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

Velcro is a complete rip off

You know how I like to watch all my Arnold Schwarzenegger movies? Commando!

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said 'Go on.' Then he shouted, 'NOT THE KRYPTONITE!' and I said, 'That's Superman.'

Stole some herbs from my neighbors garden, I'm living on borrowed Thyme

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.

What do you call four pears? Two pairs.

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day. If they are still there tomorrow I wi lower the price.

What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion? Claude.

What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.

Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator. I was wrong on so many levels.

Did you know that carrots make for great detectives? They always get down to the root of the problem.

Why arnt koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications

To be frank, I’d have to change my name.

Why are libraries so tall? Because they have many stories.

Do not touch must be terrible to read in brail

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate visitors.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.

I ran out of toilet paper so I used newspaper. The Times are rough.

I was shopping for a gift for my nephew, so I asked the store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were, she said, "Aisle B, Back"

What do you call an Acid with an attitude, a-mean-o-acid

The capital of ireland is the fastest growing city in the world, its Dublin every day.

Where do dentists go on vacation? Floss-vegas

Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq, because everything is a target

How late do cows get to stay up? Pasture bedtime

I started a band called '1023MB.' We haven't gotten a gig yet.

How can you tell the sex of an ant? Put it in water, if it sinks its a girl, if it floats its a boy-ant

I had a hen that could count her own eggs. She’s a mathmachicken

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing, it’s on the house.

Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.

I updated all of my acct usernames to "kenny". Now I have kenny logins

I started an argument with my wife on the elevator, I was wrong on so many levels

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says "what can I get you". "Pop" goes the weasel.

Today I found out that Dwayne Johnson lives in the apartment above mine. Can't believe that for years I've been living under a Rock.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

You hear about that new movie constipation? It never came out

I was at the doctors and a woman runs in screaming “Dr! Dr! Help me quick I’m shrinking”. The dr says “whoa okay calm down, you’re just going to have to be a little patient”.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles? He got over it.

I'm not saying my wife's cooking is bad, but we use the smoke detector as a timer.

How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water unt it overflowed a little. "Nervous?" asked the interviewer. "No. I always give 110%"

I debated with a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. I’m sure he’ll come around eventually.

Everyone knows Murphy's Law, where 'anything that can go wrong will go wrong.' But do you know Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

If honey bees make honey, what kind of bee makes milk? Boo Bee

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player. There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks.

Why did the egg cross the road? Just for the shell of it.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know Y

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

A detective showed up and asked me where I was at between 5 & 6. I said kindergarten

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.

Did you know the company that makes rulers won’t be making them any longer?

What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose

What do you call a priest trying to be a lawyer? A father-in-law

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

What does Lebron like to eat with his salsa? Champion-chips

What do you call an explosive monkey? Baboom

I put ketchup in my eyes, now I have heinzeit

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.

Two windmills are talking, one asks the other, ‘what kind of music do you like’. He says ‘we'll, I'm a huge metal fan’

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look, I'm changing!

My wife crashed the car while listening to Adele last night, she ended up rolling in the jeep.

What do you call a Jewish rapper? 50 Shekel

I've opened a restaurant called "Peace And Quiet." Kids meals only $150.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!

Just saw a burglar kick down his own door, he must have been working from home

I'm friends with all electricians. We have current connections.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

If you boil a funny bone you get a laughing stock

How did the hamburger introduce his girl friend? Meat Patty

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts out 13 bees onto the counter. "That's one too many!" says the customer. The clerk replies, "It's a freebie."

Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

A street vendor offered to sell me a guitar for free, but he said there were strings attached. In the end, I didn't fret about it.

Whats made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe

I haven't talked to my wife in a week — I didn't want to interrupt her.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I was going to tell a sodium joke. But then I was like NaH

What do you call a cow that just had a baby? De-Calf-inated

Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He's all right now.

Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol.

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer. But I'm not impressed. I've had a canon printer for years.

Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear

What is a computer virus? A terminal illness!

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.

Want to hear a hot dog joke? I relish the opportunity to tell it to you

What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Why shouldn't you throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.

My friend was showing me his tool shed, and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Wife just phoned me and said three girls in her office just got flowers delivered and they’re absolutely gorgeous. Husband said , that’s probably why.

My partner threatened to divorce me when I said I'd give our daughter a silly name. So I called her Bluff.

What's a physicist's favorite snack? Fission chips.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why are fish so smart? They live in schools.

My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection. She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Why don't scientists trust stairs? Because they're always up to something.

I invented a new word: plagiarism.

I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep biting him. I should have known this would happen. He's pure bread.

What are atheists called in India? Naan believers

Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k? HDMI

My landlord said he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him my door is always open.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He never lands.

Why does Dracula always bite people in the neck? Because he's a neck romancer.

My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating spaghetti. Now I'm feeling cannelloni

If you ever fall out of a kayak, don't panic — once it's capsized, you can just wear it as a hat.

Will glass coffins ever become popular? Remains to be seen.

I'm reading a horror novel in braille. Something bad is about to happen—I can feel it.

Why did the man fall into the well? Because he was walking and couldn’t see that well

How do you eat a hard drive? One byte at a time.

My son was just born, and another dad at the hospital congratulated me, saying his daughter was born yesterday. He said, "Maybe they'll get married someday." I said, "Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."

My friend claims he 'accidentally' glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story, and he's sticking to it.

I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 97% of you will never get it.

Why did the data base administrator leave his wife? She had 1 too many relationships.

Who hides in the bathroom at parties? The party pooper

How did the hacker escape the FBI? He ransomware!

I breed racing deer to make a quick buck.

A friend and I used to race snails and I always won. In desperation, he took the shells off all his snails. He thought it would make them faster. But it only made them more sluggish.

A photon checks in for a flight. The attendant asks if he has any luggage. "No," he says, "I'm traveling light."

Why did the pharmacist walk on her tiptoes? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

My mom was a radiologist. She met my dad when he came in for an x-ray. I wonder what she saw in him.

What did the mermaid wear to her math class? An algae-bra.

How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.

I accidentally took my cats meds last night. Dont ask meow.

My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type. As he was dying, he kept telling us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

My grandma hates her new stairlift. She says it drives her up the wall.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling of honey. You know shes a keeper

What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson’s butt, you hit rock bottom

A customer tells a comic shop owner he should put an Incredible Hulk statue out front to bring in customers. "Why?" asks the owner. "Because it'd be a giant banner."

I tried donating blood today, NEVER again. Too many stupid question, who’s blood is it, where did you get it, why is it in a bucket.

Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean's bottom.

Teslas do not have a new car smell. They have an Elon musk

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

Unlike a lot of people at the gym, I don’t hate leg day. It’s just the next two days that I cant stand.

What do you call a zombie with no sense of humor? Dead serious.

What do you call a computer superhero? A Screen Saver.

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife? Nothing, he was gladiator.

What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble 0-7.

Why do bees have sticky hair? because they use honey combs

Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn't her type.

Which rock group has four men who can't sing? Mount Rushmore.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.

What do you call a guy laying on the floor in front of a door? Matt!

What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.

What did the biologist wear to impress their date? Designer genes.

I’ve got a German friend that’s a sound technician. I’ve got a Czech one too, Czech one too

My daughter asked me if I had seen the dog bowl. I said ‘no, I didnt even know he could’.

Did you hear about the mummy discovered in Egypt? It was covered in chocolate and nuts. They think it’s pharaoh roche

My friend thinks drinking more beer makes him smarter, but I don't think there's enough Budweiser in the world to make him any wiser.

I'm not losing my hair. I'm winning at hats.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

What type of chair do toddlers sit in to make mobile calls? A booster seat

Which person in the Bible was the best musician? Samson, because he brought down the house

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn, now. I have stable WiFi

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella? For Drizzle

Bruce lee had a vegan brother named Broco Lee

I just figured out why Teslas are so expensive. It’s because they charge a lot.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

My friends keep asking me to tell jokes about retired people but none of them work.

What's a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym rolls.

I have a tendency to eat everything in front of me. That’s why I could never be a gynecologist

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.

What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.

Scientists got together to smell a fart. The experiments were odorous.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.

Did you hear about the actor who broke his leg onstage? He's still in the cast.

How do you count cows? With a cowculator

A guy threw a gallon of milk at my head, how dairy.

Do trees poop? Of course they do, how else would we get #2 pencils

The game Mortal Kombat is actually based on an old Scandinavian children's song. It's a Finnish hymn.

I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked. Then it just clicked.

I want to retire as quickly as I can. I better call ASARP.

Why did the belt get arrested? For holding up a pair of pants.

What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.

What do you call an old snowman? Water.

What do you call a small mother? A minimum

Why won’t swords go obsolete? Because they’re cutting edge technology.

I am Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker? He won the no-bell prize.

My wife asked me to flip the calendar to the next month. To my surprise, it skipped from April to June. I turned to tell her we were missing a month. She said, 'What's the matter? You look dis-Mayed.'

What do you call someone that sells themselves for spaghetti. A pasta-tude

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

A woman wakes from a coma to learn twins were born. Her brother named them Denise and Denephew.

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.

The urge to sing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ is always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

What happens to robots after they go defunct? They rust in peace.

What do you call an alligator that wants to be a detective? An investigator

What did the bee say to his wife? Hurry up honey.

My marriage is like a fine wine. It started out in a nice house and ended up in a box.

Where do killer whales go to get braces? The orca-dontist.

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto

Did you hear they made an afghan barbie? It’s a blow up doll.

What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.

Scientists have just discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart. They say its a blast from the past

A locksmith had to go to court to give evidence last week. Apparently he was the key witness.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.

When I arrived unannounced, I wasn't even offered a chocolate-covered cherry. It wasn't a cordial greeting.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

Why didn't the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.

Why do computers need to wear seatbelts. In case of a Hard Drive

What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.

Why do crabs never volunteer? Because they're shell-fish.

What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.

Why don't skeletons go trick-or-treating? They have no body to go with.

Did you hear about the T-Rex that sells guns? He’s a small arms dealer

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

How do computers get drunk? They take screenshots.

Pavlov was sitting at a pub. The phone rang and he said, 'Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs!’

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi!

Did you hear they’re not making 12” rulers any longer

How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels spinning.

My wife’s been complaining I don’t buy her flowers. To be honest I didn’t know she sold any.

Towels are the leading cause of dry skin

What do you call a sleep walking nun? A Roman Catholic.

My cloning experiment finally paid off, I'm so excited I'm beside myself

What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one's on the house.

I like to keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me why I don’t have money in my wallet

Whats 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.

I turned down a job that paid in vegetables. The celery was unacceptable.

I used to be a pilot, but I got grounded.

A man fell straight through a window yesterday and walked away completely unharmed. Must have been paneless.

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed.

What do you call someone who can't stick to a diet? A desserter.

If there's an invisible man sleeping in your bread, who do you call? Toastbusters.

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They're going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It's called wedding cake.

Next Monday we start diarrhea awareness week, Runs until Friday

My wife thinks I dont give her enough privacy, at least thats what she said in her diary.

Why didnt hans solo enjoy his steak? It was chewey

Every time Einstein masturbated it was a stroke of genius.

What kind of tissue can you sleep on? A Nap-kin

How do you make antifreeze? Take away her blanket.

I’m sorry but this is the presidents bathroom. It’s For Biden to use.

Have you heard about the restaurant on the Moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

A steak pun is a rare medium, done well.

What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.

Scientists watched the earth rotate for 24hrs. They got tired. So they called it a day.

Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.

I started a business selling mirrors. It's a reflection of myself.

How do you get an astronaut's baby to stop crying? You rocket.

You know why Jewish guys are circumcised? Because Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 10% off

Did you hear about the guy going around stealing sowing machines from the stores? The police said it shouldn’t be too difficult to find him since he’s going in a pattern.

Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was amazing.

My wife looked out the window and screamed that someone stole all the bus stop signs on our street. I said, "Well, where do these people get off?"

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.

What do you call guys who love math? Algebros.

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? It’s two tired

I want to go on a diet, but I just feel like I have way too much on my plate right now

Doctor “the problem is that you sit too much during the day” me “I understand” doctor “yes, yes you do”

“Hey bro”, “yeah bro?”, “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”, “Brochure”

Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shellfish.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.

What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12oz.

I planned a date with this girl at the gym today, but she didn’t show up. That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out

What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.

I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.

You gotta hand it to short people. Because they can't reach it on their own.

Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

I'm terrified of elevators, so I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

At the office barbecue I grilled some rare steak for our boss, and he said, “I like it well done.” I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.

I went to a psychic. I knocked on her front door. She yelled: "Who is it?" So I left.

How do dumpsters communicate with each other? They trash talk.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Which celebrity is always ready for cereal? Reese. With her spoon.

Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quaks

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, but cats can

What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK.

Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

Finally my winter fat has gone...Now, I have spring rolls.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're that good at it.

Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open!

Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn't putting in enough shifts.

What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time, no sea.

I was talking to my buddy in Egypt, he’s been complaining about his back hurting so I suggested he goes to the Cairo-practor

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.

Ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time-consuming.

Boss: “Hey send me one of your funny jokes” I said “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later” He replied “Ha that was hilarious, Send me another one”

A man walked into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail.The waitress smiled sweetly and said "Once upon a time, there was this handsome lobster..”

Why do software developers wear glasses? Because they can't C#.

Did you hear about the king that was only 12” tall? He was a terrible king but made a great ruler.

Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.

Don’t fart at an Apple store, they don’t have windows.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep in.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

Why was the tooth brush named in West Virginia? Because otherwise it would have been called the Teeth Brush

What’s it called when a chickpea is murdered. Hummuside

Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don't freeze their buns.

Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.

What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to optician, everyone.

Do you know why you can't keep score in Afghanistan? Because of the tally-ban.

Did I tell you the joke about amnesia? No really, did I? I can't remember.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

Did you hear about the pasta and water? Their relationship was strained

What do you call a Roman solder with hair in his teeth? A Gladiator.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What did the elephant say to the naked man. How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

Why did Yoda refuse to believe Obi-Wan had a twin? Because there can only be Wan Kenobi.

Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.

Someone glued my deck of cards together. I don't know how to deal with it.

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns. "OK,"I said, "Alpaca my bags"

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…But that's how Julius Caesar.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now when I talk, I have this weird Axe scent.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.

Did you know that the only reason the pyramids are in Egypt is because they’re too heavy to take to the British museum

My wife asked me, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were firs dating!?" So I took her to dinner a movie.. Then dropped her off at her parents house.

Yesterday I saw an ad that said "Radio for sale, $1. Volume stuck on full blast." I said to myself "You can't turn that down."

What do you call a Mexican that got his car stolen? Carlos

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? Idk but the flag is a big plus

Have you heard about mathematical plants? They have square roots

What did one leaf say to the other? I'm falling for you.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.

What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public? A private tutor.

What do you call a witch that lives at the beach? A sandwich.

I divorced my wife because she was cross eyed. We never could see eye to eye. Plus she was seeing someone on the side

What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.

What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."

Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.

I told my wife I'd synced her phone. She was furious when she found out I'd actually just thrown it in the river.

It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45-minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering.

Did you hear about the guy who gets mad when they don't have any bread? Lack toast intolerant.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw.

Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me. I said, "What the hellmann?"

Today, my son asked, 'Can I have a bookmark?' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

What is a calendar's favorite food? Dates.

The London Eye is made almost entirely of iron. It's a ferrous wheel.

I’ve never believed in chiropractors, but now I stand corrected.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? Satisfactory

I saw an iPhone holding a gun the other day. it was taking a screenshot

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

What's Elsa's favorite type of party? A snowball.

What did the Bufalo say when his son left? Bison

My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world. I’m not buying it

5 out of 4 people admit that they're bad with fractions.

Where does Captain Hook buy his hooks? At the second-hand store.

My three favorite things are: eating my family and not using commas.

Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn.

I just walked to the binocular shop, they saw me coming.

What do you call an attractive man on the wall? Art.

Before it was carved out, Mt. Rushmore’s natural beauty unprecedented.

What do you call a fish without eyes? A fsh.

What did Mike Tyson say after working out with Chris Hemsworth? “You’re gonna be Thor in the morning”

Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No sun.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?” “Try the ATM outside” he said

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

I can’t understand why my calculator just stopped working. It just doesn’t add up.

What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.

Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it.

What's blue and not that heavy? Light Blue.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint!

Sometimes I call my horse Mayo. Sometimes Mayo neighs.

What genre are national anthems? Country.

What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell

What did the pink panther say when he stepped on an ant. Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant..

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.

Why did the Energizer Bunny go to jail? He was charged with battery.

A truck loaded with Vicks Vapo rub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

How did the piano get locked out of its car? It lost its keys.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says ‘5 beers please’

Did you hear about the explosion at a cheese factory in France? There was De Brie everywhere

I gave an afghan purse to my daughter, and she said thanks for the bag dad.

I asked my phone: "Siri, why am I so bad with women?" She said: "I'm Alexa you moron."

Did you hear about the computer that took a cross country trip? It was a hard drive

Can February March? No, but April May.

You know when a joke is a dad joke? You should know it’s apparent

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because it felt crummy.

Why don't elephants use computers? They're afraid of the mouse.

What kind of shoes did the spy wear? Sneakers

What’s forest gumps password. 1forest1

Why was the broom late? It overswept.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

Whats the toughest part of being a vegan? Keeping it to yourself

What's the difference between a chickpea and a pinto bean? I've never had a pinto bean on my face.

What do you get when you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow. Two animals that are in a baaaaaaad moooooooood

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

What do you call a dinosaur that crashes their car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

Why should you not use an unsharpened pencil? It's pointless.

Why did the dictionary get invited to every party? It had all the definitions.

My car's dashboard flashed 'door is ajar.' Buddy, a door is not a jar — it's a door!

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out, had a few drinks, nice guy. He’s a web designer

My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm. It would be a lot less weird if she'd lust let me in.

A man was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him. His condition is stable.

Why was the limestone upset? It was taken for Granite

What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.

What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.

I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis. I replied, "That's 15 love"

What are the knees of baby goats called? Kidneys.

I recently took a pole and 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed

What do you call a good looking pig? DaHaam

A magician was walking down the street. Then, he turned into a grocery store.

Did you hear about the guy who evaporated? He will be mist

Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

The Dalai Lama has been arrested for gambling. Apparently, he likes Tibet.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals IM LIVID

If Ani is short for Anakin and Obi is short for Obi-Wan, what is Luke short for? A stormtrooper.

A renowned psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with young mothers and their little children.

I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot.

My wife threatened to leave me if I kept using StarWars puns. I guess Divorce is strong with this one.

How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon.

What would a sign on a brothel that went out of business say? Beat it we’re closed

What kind of tea is difficult to swallow? Reality

How did the pasta get locked out of his house? Gnocchi.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone, and then Samsung

What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.

What do you call a Mexican who hates protein powder? No whey Jose

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.

What did 50 cent do when he was hungry? 58

Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.

What do a dog and a tree have in common? Their bark.

What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something.

Did you hear about the guy who had is coffee stolen? He got mugged

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So I crashed the car and ignored her all day for no reason.

What did the two pieces of bread say at their wedding? It was loaf at first sight.

Woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that I overslept for work. But quickly realized I was already at work, so I breathed a sigh of relief.

What do you call a wingless fly? A walk.

Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money? It was having withdrawls

What do you call sweaty boobs? Humidititties.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.

I heard music from my printer, turns out the paper was jamming

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What did the yoga instructor say when the landlord wanted to evict her? Namaste

If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor.

Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

What did the right eye say to the left eye? Just between us, something smells.

A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight." The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and com second for a change?"

Did you hear about the big lego sale? people were lined up for blocks

What kind of letters do feminists send? Hate male

I asked for breakfast anytime, so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

What’s Behtovens favorite fruit? Banananananaaaaaa

Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.

Geography teacher asked if I can name a country with no R in it. I said “no way”

What do you call a smoothie with a lot of granolla? A roughie

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

What kind of birds always stick together? Vel-crows.

I told my suitcase we aren't going on vacation. Now it's just sitting there, all packed with nowhere to go.

How do cows pay each other? Venmooooo.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

What do you call an Indian girl that went hitch hiking?

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read anything.

When I get in to work I immediately hide. Good employees are hard to find.

What do you call a zombie cooking stir fry? A dead man wok-ing

Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon, I’ll let you know.

What's the best present you can give someone? A broken drum. No one can beat that.

I must admit, I joined this subreddit despite not being a dad. I'm a faux pa.

What do you call a pile of cats? Meotain

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

My friend asked me,"Why are you carrying a 9 foot book?" I said, "It's a long story."

They say child birth is the most painful thing anyone can experience. Maybe I was too young to remember but i dont think it hurt that much.

I had a dream about a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo lighter. One’s really heavy and the others a little lighter.

What do you call vegan seafood? Artifishial.

What do you call a dog who meditates? Aware wolf.

Why do turkeys play percussion? They have drumsticks.

My iguana lost his tail last night with not a predator in sight. Turns out it was reptile dysfunction.

How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.

There were clucking sounds coming from our hen house today, but the last chicken died in there two summers ago. I think it's a poultrygeist.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? If it had 4, it'd be a chicken sedan!

What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So I bought her a candle.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

When I was young I was very poor. After years of struggle, I’m no longer young.

Did you hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.

The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "Happy..." and started timing on her watch. After a long silence, she said, "...40 second birthday."

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?

What do you call two monkeys that share one Amazon account? Prime mates

I told my friend I liked Beyoncé... He said whatever floats your boat. I said, "no, that's buoyancy."

I just discovered my parents named me after 50, 4, 1, and 500. I am LIVID

My friend runs a side business building sail boats in his attic, I guess sails are through the roof

We adopted the daughter of a clown, I have some bug shoes to fill

Why did the Philippino banana call into work sick today? He wasn’t peeling well today

What do you call a deceased Finnish man? Finnished.

The bank keeps calling to give me compliments, they keep saying I have an outstanding balance.

Where do you take someone injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.

My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.

When grilling burgers, don't forget the pickle. It's kind of a big dill.

I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know it was on its way to work?"

The famous philosopher disguised himself. Now you KANT recognize him.

What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Did you hear about the female rapper that only did her wrap battles while on her menstral cycle? She had a mean flow

What do you call a place full of caged vegetables? A zoo-chinni

My Uncle named his dogs Rolex And Timex. They are his watch dogs.

My wife bet me $1000 I couldn't turri spaghetti into a car. You should have see her face when I drove pasta.

Why did the chicken go to the gym? To work on his pecks

Elevator jokes are the best, they work on so many levels

My wife and I share the same sense of humour. We have to....She doesn't have one.

Did you hear about the snail that drew and S on his car? Now whenever he drives down the road people say “look at that S car go”

What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.

Why did behtovin get rid of all his chickens? Because they always said Bach Bach Bach

What kind of dr was Dr Pepper? Fizzician

My wife’s been missing for a week, the police told me to prepare for the worst, I so I went back to goodwill and bought all of her stuff back

“If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.” .. “If you were my wife, I’d drink it!”

What did one toilet say to the other? You look flushed

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

The shovel was a ground breaking innovation

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.

Two noble gasses walk into a bar.

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: "Just checking my balance."

What did the egg yell at the frat party? Omlette!

Do you know what happens when someone slaps you at a high frequency? It megahertz

Of all the inventions in the last century, the dry erase marker as to be the most remarkable

What do you call a laughing motorcycle, a Yamahahahah

I wouldn’t worry about that smart phone or tv spying on you. That vacuum made been gathering dirt on you for years.

My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only had 9 toes. She was lack toes intolerant.

I called the Dr “my wife is going into labor!” Dr asked “is this her first child?”. I said “no this is her husband”

My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay. I'm shitting bricks to be honest.

What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.

Why don't lions eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

I bought a 65-inch TV for $5 because the volume was stuck on 10. I just couldn't turn it down.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

What time is it when an egg is cracked? Time to make an omelet!