Dad Joke Jokes

Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the street? It got stuck in the crack

So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter. Which sucks because he had a great fall.

My daughter asked me if I had seen the dog bowl. said, "No, I didn't even know he could.

A sweater I just bought was full of static electricity. So I returned it. The guy gave me another one free of charge.

What do you call a song that doesnt show up? A dead beat

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind its too cheesy

The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country. I think they’re in de Nile.

My son asked me, "Dad, what are condoms used for?" I said, "Usually to avoid answering questions like this one."

Dated a Swiss girl once, broke up with her soon as I got to her home town. There were just too many red flags

I got fired from the clock factory. I thought putting extra hours in was a good idea.

I saw two cows smoking weed and playing poker. The steaks were high

Why do you burry a lawyer 10 feet deep instead of 6? Because deep down they really are good people.

The female janitor at work keeps asking me if I want to smoke a joint with her. I always say no because I simply can't handle High maintenance woman.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, do you have any books on pavlovs dogs and schrodingers cat? The librarian says “It rings a bell, but I’m not sure if its here or not”

What do you call two guys from Mexico playing basketball? Juan on Juan

What does a Grizzly say when he calls customer service. Just bear with me.

What do Mexicans do at the beach? They Burri-toes at in the sand

What kind of house weighs less than others? A light house

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting arrest?

What do you call a mushroom that went to a party? A Fungi

A thief broke into my house middle of the night to look for money. So I got up and looked with him.

Why are balloons so expensive? Inflation.

I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer the other day, I think he must have laced them with something funny cause I've been tripping all day

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Why are men such good cooks? Because with just two eggs and a sausage they can fill a belly for 9 months

5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants. Now they're tenants.

I just learned the medical name for Viagra. Mycoxaflopin.

Shout out to my grandma. Because thats the only way she can hear you.

Why does the Norwegian navy use barcodes? It’s so they can Scandinavian

I went to MacDonald's and ordered 2 large fries. They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead.

I’m giving my chimney away for free. You could say it’s on the house.

Why do people in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because dawn is tough on Greece.

What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business? Amazon Web Services.

It was my wife's birthday last week, she kept leaving jewelry magazines all over the house. So I got her a magazine organizer.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekabo accident. They put me in the ICU.

Why did the crab cross the road? It didnt, it used a sidewalk

How much does Santa pay to park the sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.

Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir? I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.

Sunday was a sad day. But the day before that was a sadder day. Who knows, the day after it could be very mundane.

I tripped over your moms bra today. It was a booby trap

What kind of plants go in the bathroom? Toiletrees

Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq, because everything is a target

What did the Bufalo say when his son left? Bison

Did you hear they made an afghan barbie? It’s a blow up doll.

Next Monday we start diarrhea awareness week, Runs until Friday

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.

I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone, and then Samsung

My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating spaghetti. Now I'm feeling cannelloni

A guy threw a gallon of milk at my head, how dairy.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k? HDMI

How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out, had a few drinks, nice guy. He’s a web designer

Why do turkeys play percussion? They have drumsticks.

I planned a date with this girl at the gym today, but she didn’t show up. That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot.

I am Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

My wife thinks I dont give her enough privacy, at least thats what she said in her diary.

A renowned psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with young mothers and their little children.

Wife just phoned me and said three girls in her office just got flowers delivered and they’re absolutely gorgeous. Husband said , that’s probably why.

Where do dentists go on vacation? Floss-vegas

Did you know that I’m a biologist? I was in class with someone who was dissecting an insect, so I looked at him and said “hey man, your fly is open”

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

What did the bee say to his wife? Hurry up honey.

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.

Did you hear they’re not making 12” rulers any longer

Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator. I was wrong on so many levels.

Did you know that carrots make for great detectives? They always get down to the root of the problem.

My wife crashed the car while listening to Adele last night, she ended up rolling in the jeep.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.

My landlord said he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him my door is always open.

I updated all of my acct usernames to "kenny". Now I have kenny logins

Did you hear about the guy who had is coffee stolen? He got mugged

How do you make antifreeze? Take away her blanket.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

To be frank, I’d have to change my name.

I'm not saying my wife's cooking is bad, but we use the smoke detector as a timer.

My mom was a radiologist. She met my dad when he came in for an x-ray. I wonder what she saw in him.

If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player. There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

I just walked to the binocular shop, they saw me coming.

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer. But I'm not impressed. I've had a canon printer for years.

I’ve got a German friend that’s a sound technician. I’ve got a Czech one too, Czech one too

Bruce lee had a vegan brother named Broco Lee

Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was amazing.

Finally my winter fat has gone...Now, I have spring rolls.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Geography teacher asked if I can name a country with no R in it. I said “no way”

What do you call a dinosaur that crashes their car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.

I've opened a restaurant called "Peace And Quiet." Kids meals only $150.

I put ketchup in my eyes, now I have heinzeit

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day. If they are still there tomorrow I wi lower the price.

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep in.

Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

My Uncle named his dogs Rolex And Timex. They are his watch dogs.

Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quaks

What did one toilet say to the other? You look flushed

My wife told me I need to start embracing my mistakes, so I gave her a hug

How did the hamburger introduce his girl friend? Meat Patty

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns. "OK,"I said, "Alpaca my bags"

What do you call an alligator that wants to be a detective? An investigator

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? It’s two tired

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

Scientists got together to smell a fart. The experiments were odorous.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So I crashed the car and ignored her all day for no reason.

Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He's all right now.

I gave an afghan purse to my daughter, and she said thanks for the bag dad.

You gotta hand it to short people. Because they can't reach it on their own.

Why did the Philippino banana call into work sick today? He wasn’t peeling well today

Don’t fart at an Apple store, they don’t have windows.

What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.

I’m sorry but this is the presidents bathroom. It’s For Biden to use.

5 out of 4 people admit that they're bad with fractions.

Scientists watched the earth rotate for 24hrs. They got tired. So they called it a day.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

My marriage is like a fine wine. It started out in a nice house and ended up in a box.

Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, but cats can

I went to the doctors and he said: "Don't eat anything fatty." I said: "What like burgers?" He said: "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

The shovel was a ground breaking innovation

I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know it was on its way to work?"

Did you know that the only reason the pyramids are in Egypt is because they’re too heavy to take to the British museum

Pavlov was sitting at a pub. The phone rang and he said, 'Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs!’

What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson’s butt, you hit rock bottom

You know how I like to watch all my Arnold Schwarzenegger movies? Commando!

What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do you-think-he-saw-us?

My grandma hates her new stairlift. She says it drives her up the wall.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

I asked my phone: "Siri, why am I so bad with women?" She said: "I'm Alexa you moron."

Who hides in the bathroom at parties? The party pooper

What do you call an old snowman? Water.

My wife threatened to leave me if I kept using StarWars puns. I guess Divorce is strong with this one.

Whats 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.

Why did the data base administrator leave his wife? She had 1 too many relationships.

I just discovered my parents named me after 50, 4, 1, and 500. I am LIVID

Did you hear about the guy going around stealing sowing machines from the stores? The police said it shouldn’t be too difficult to find him since he’s going in a pattern.

My friends keep asking me to tell jokes about retired people but none of them work.

Velcro is a complete rip off

Why was the limestone upset? It was taken for Granite

What do you call an attractive man on the wall? Art.

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…But that's how Julius Caesar.

What do you call a place full of caged vegetables? A zoo-chinni

Why won’t swords go obsolete? Because they’re cutting edge technology.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.

Have you heard about mathematical plants? They have square roots

“Hey bro”, “yeah bro?”, “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”, “Brochure”

A new species of deer has been discovered that can jump higher than the average house. The average house can't jump.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

What kind of shoes did the spy wear? Sneakers

Why don't skeletons go trick-or-treating? They have no body to go with.

Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed.

Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.

Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn.

I debated with a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. I’m sure he’ll come around eventually.

What do you call an Indian girl that went hitch hiking?

My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection. She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know Y

What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

I turned down a job that paid in vegetables. The celery was unacceptable.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

Why are pigs bad drivers? They hog the road.

They say child birth is the most painful thing anyone can experience. Maybe I was too young to remember but i dont think it hurt that much.

The famous philosopher disguised himself. Now you KANT recognize him.

What kind of Marshall arts do they teach in Israel? Jiu Jitsu

What did the elephant say to the naked man. How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says "what can I get you". "Pop" goes the weasel.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water unt it overflowed a little. "Nervous?" asked the interviewer. "No. I always give 110%"

Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What do you call a Roman solder with hair in his teeth? A Gladiator.

What do you call sweaty boobs? Humidititties.

My daughter asked me if I had seen the dog bowl. I said ‘no, I didnt even know he could’.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.

The capital of ireland is the fastest growing city in the world, its Dublin every day.

Did you hear about the king that was only 12” tall? He was a terrible king but made a great ruler.

When I get in to work I immediately hide. Good employees are hard to find.

Why was the tooth brush named in West Virginia? Because otherwise it would have been called the Teeth Brush

Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me. I said, "What the hellmann?"

Why didnt hans solo enjoy his steak? It was chewey

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

My friend asked me,"Why are you carrying a 9 foot book?" I said, "It's a long story."

What do you call a small mother? A minimum

What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals IM LIVID

Why should you not use an unsharpened pencil? It's pointless.

What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time, no sea.

Why did the belt get arrested? For holding up a pair of pants.

Why don't scientists trust stairs? Because they're always up to something.

What do you call an Acid with an attitude, a-mean-o-acid

What do you call a happy cowboy? A Jolly Rancher.

What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Do you know why you can't keep score in Afghanistan? Because of the tally-ban.

Why do bees have sticky hair? because they use honey combs

What do you call vegan seafood? Artifishial.

Why do computers need to wear seatbelts. In case of a Hard Drive

My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world. I’m not buying it

Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No sun.

I wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.

I can’t understand why my calculator just stopped working. It just doesn’t add up.

My cloning experiment finally paid off, I'm so excited I'm beside myself

What did 50 cent do when he was hungry? 58

I told my friend I liked Beyoncé... He said whatever floats your boat. I said, "no, that's buoyancy."

Do not touch must be terrible to read in brail

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing, it’s on the house.

What do you call a pile of cats? Meotain

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis. I replied, "That's 15 love"

What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose

Yesterday I saw an ad that said "Radio for sale, $1. Volume stuck on full blast." I said to myself "You can't turn that down."

What do you call a super hero with a bad sense of direction? Wander woman

What do you call a smoothie with a lot of granolla? A roughie

Which person in the Bible was the best musician? Samson, because he brought down the house

I like to keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me why I don’t have money in my wallet

What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out

What does Lebron like to eat with his salsa? Champion-chips

Did you hear about the guy who evaporated? He will be mist

Have you heard about the restaurant on the Moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling of honey. You know shes a keeper

I was going to tell a sodium joke. But then I was like NaH

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo lighter. One’s really heavy and the others a little lighter.

What do you call a cow that just had a baby? De-Calf-inated

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So I bought her a candle.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I used to be a pilot, but I got grounded.

I saw my ex-wife across the museum hall, but I felt too self-conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us.

I would tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

Just saw a burglar kick down his own door, he must have been working from home

I started an argument with my wife on the elevator, I was wrong on so many levels

What do you call a witch that lives at the beach? A sandwich.

I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

I had a hen that could count her own eggs. She’s a mathmachicken

What’s it called when a chickpea is murdered. Hummuside

Which celebrity is always ready for cereal? Reese. With her spoon.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.

Why did the man fall into the well? Because he was walking and couldn’t see that well

What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

What did the yoga instructor say when the landlord wanted to evict her? Namaste

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read anything.

Do trees poop? Of course they do, how else would we get #2 pencils

I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate visitors.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

I have a tendency to eat everything in front of me. That’s why I could never be a gynecologist

Unlike a lot of people at the gym, I don’t hate leg day. It’s just the next two days that I cant stand.

My friend runs a side business building sail boats in his attic, I guess sails are through the roof

I saw an iPhone holding a gun the other day. it was taking a screenshot

Why did behtovin get rid of all his chickens? Because they always said Bach Bach Bach

Why did the egg cross the road? Just for the shell of it.

My boss said he was going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it's going to be me.

Did you hear about the computer that took a cross country trip? It was a hard drive

My wife bet me $1000 I couldn't turri spaghetti into a car. You should have see her face when I drove pasta.

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look, I'm changing!

Two windmills are talking, one asks the other, ‘what kind of music do you like’. He says ‘we'll, I'm a huge metal fan’

“If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.” .. “If you were my wife, I’d drink it!”

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon, I’ll let you know.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?” “Try the ATM outside” he said

Why do software developers wear glasses? Because they can't C#.

Doctor “the problem is that you sit too much during the day” me “I understand” doctor “yes, yes you do”

The urge to sing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ is always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

What do you call two monkeys that share one Amazon account? Prime mates

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm. It would be a lot less weird if she'd lust let me in.

Why does Dracula always bite people in the neck? Because he's a neck romancer.

We thought we'd crept past the Greek king without him noticing. Then my friend saw him look our way. Odysseus?

My three favorite things are: eating my family and not using commas.

What do you call someone that sells themselves for spaghetti. A pasta-tude

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.

What would a sign on a brothel that went out of business say? Beat it we’re closed

I heard music from my printer, turns out the paper was jamming

What do you call a Mexican who hates protein powder? No whey Jose

Towels are the leading cause of dry skin

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

What do you call a sleep walking nun? A Roman Catholic.

Why arnt koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

What’s forest gumps password. 1forest1

I wanted to thank you for explaining the word many to me, it means a lot

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.

I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 97% of you will never get it.

Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shellfish.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

Did you hear about the snail that drew and S on his car? Now whenever he drives down the road people say “look at that S car go”

What do you call sweaty boobs? Humiditities

My wife’s been complaining I don’t buy her flowers. To be honest I didn’t know she sold any.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? Idk but the flag is a big plus

How late do cows get to stay up? Pasture bedtime

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Two noble gasses walk into a bar.

A truck loaded with Vicks Vapo rub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Why are fish so smart? They live in schools.

What kind of tea is difficult to swallow? Reality

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon.

How did the pasta get locked out of his house? Gnocchi.

Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It's called wedding cake.

What do you call a Jewish rapper? 50 Shekel

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion? Claude.

My wife asked why I didn’t buy her flowers. To be fair, I didn’t know she sold flowers.

I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked. Then it just clicked.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to optician, everyone.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a pinto bean? I've never had a pinto bean on my face.

Woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that I overslept for work. But quickly realized I was already at work, so I breathed a sigh of relief.

Scientists have just discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart. They say its a blast from the past

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Did you hear about the big lego sale? people were lined up for blocks

A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight." The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and com second for a change?"

What do you call a deceased Finnish man? Finnished.

A detective showed up and asked me where I was at between 5 & 6. I said kindergarten

When I was young I was very poor. After years of struggle, I’m no longer young.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

If you boil a funny bone you get a laughing stock

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? Satisfactory

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife? Nothing, he was gladiator.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

Every time Einstein masturbated it was a stroke of genius.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says ‘5 beers please’

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella? For Drizzle

What do you call a Mexican that got his car stolen? Carlos

What kind of tissue can you sleep on? A Nap-kin

You know when a joke is a dad joke? You should know it’s apparent

At the office barbecue I grilled some rare steak for our boss, and he said, “I like it well done.” I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money? It was having withdrawls

I tried donating blood today, NEVER again. Too many stupid question, who’s blood is it, where did you get it, why is it in a bucket.

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn, now. I have stable WiFi

I was talking to my buddy in Egypt, he’s been complaining about his back hurting so I suggested he goes to the Cairo-practor

Elevator jokes are the best, they work on so many levels

Whats made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.

I had a dream about a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Stole some herbs from my neighbors garden, I'm living on borrowed Thyme

Before it was carved out, Mt. Rushmore’s natural beauty unprecedented.

What do you get when you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow. Two animals that are in a baaaaaaad moooooooood

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I went to a psychic. I knocked on her front door. She yelled: "Who is it?" So I left.

I want to go on a diet, but I just feel like I have way too much on my plate right now

Did you hear about the mummy discovered in Egypt? It was covered in chocolate and nuts. They think it’s pharaoh roche

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: "Just checking my balance."

Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.

My daughter lined up her dolls next to my grill. Looks like she’s preparing some sort of barbie queue

I just figured out why Teslas are so expensive. It’s because they charge a lot.

What did the egg yell at the frat party? Omlette!

Do you know what happens when someone slaps you at a high frequency? It megahertz

Of all the inventions in the last century, the dry erase marker as to be the most remarkable

My friend was showing me his tool shed, and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

There were clucking sounds coming from our hen house today, but the last chicken died in there two summers ago. I think it's a poultrygeist.

My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only had 9 toes. She was lack toes intolerant.

I called the Dr “my wife is going into labor!” Dr asked “is this her first child?”. I said “no this is her husband”

How can you tell the sex of an ant? Put it in water, if it sinks its a girl, if it floats its a boy-ant

Did you hear about the female rapper that only did her wrap battles while on her menstral cycle? She had a mean flow

What do you call a laughing motorcycle, a Yamahahahah

What do you call a zombie cooking stir fry? A dead man wok-ing

I ran out of toilet paper so I used newspaper. The Times are rough.

I accidentally took my cats meds last night. Dont ask meow.

My wife asked me, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were firs dating!?" So I took her to dinner a movie.. Then dropped her off at her parents house.

Teslas do not have a new car smell. They have an Elon musk

I divorced my wife because she was cross eyed. We never could see eye to eye. Plus she was seeing someone on the side

What are atheists called in India? Naan believers

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

What do you call a fish without eyes? A fsh.

What kind of letters do feminists send? Hate male

If honey bees make honey, what kind of bee makes milk? Boo Bee

What did Mike Tyson say after working out with Chris Hemsworth? “You’re gonna be Thor in the morning”

Why do nurses bring red pens to work? Just in case they have to draw blood.

Why did the chicken go to the gym? To work on his pecks

Whats the toughest part of being a vegan? Keeping it to yourself

A man walked into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail.The waitress smiled sweetly and said "Once upon a time, there was this handsome lobster..”

We adopted the daughter of a clown, I have some bug shoes to fill

What kind of dr was Dr Pepper? Fizzician

Why do crabs never volunteer? Because they're shell-fish.

Today I found out that Dwayne Johnson lives in the apartment above mine. Can't believe that for years I've been living under a Rock.

What do you call a priest trying to be a lawyer? A father-in-law

Did you hear about the explosion at a cheese factory in France? There was De Brie everywhere

Did you hear about the pasta and water? Their relationship was strained

How do you count cows? With a cowculator

What do you call an explosive monkey? Baboom

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

The bank keeps calling to give me compliments, they keep saying I have an outstanding balance.

You think gas prices are expensive. Have you seen chimneys? They’re threw the roof

My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay. I'm shitting bricks to be honest.

I recently took a pole and 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed

You know why Jewish guys are circumcised? Because Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 10% off

A man loses three fingers in a work accident. At the hospital he asks the doctor, "Will I be able to drive with this hand? The doctor replies, "Maybe. But I wouldn't count on it."

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? It's hard to make a vitamin.

I was at the doctors and a woman runs in screaming “Dr! Dr! Help me quick I’m shrinking”. The dr says “whoa okay calm down, you’re just going to have to be a little patient”.

Did you know the company that makes rulers won’t be making them any longer?

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two.

Where do pirates buy their hooks from? The second hand store.

My wife’s been missing for a week, the police told me to prepare for the worst, I so I went back to goodwill and bought all of her stuff back

What did the pink panther say when he stepped on an ant. Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant..

What type of chair do toddlers sit in to make mobile calls? A booster seat

Want to hear a hot dog joke? I relish the opportunity to tell it to you

What do you call a hen looking at a pile of lettuce? A chicken seas a salad.

I wouldn’t worry about that smart phone or tv spying on you. That vacuum made been gathering dirt on you for years.

The Dalai Lama has been arrested for gambling. Apparently, he likes Tibet.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

A friend and I used to race snails and I always won. In desperation, he took the shells off all his snails. He thought it would make them faster. But it only made them more sluggish.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

What genre are national anthems? Country.

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts out 13 bees onto the counter. "That's one too many!" says the customer. The clerk replies, "It's a freebie."

What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell

What do a dog and a tree have in common? Their bark.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.

To the guy who invented zero: thanks for nothing.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker? He won the no-bell prize.

Did you hear about the T-Rex that sells guns? He’s a small arms dealer

I was shopping for a gift for my nephew, so I asked the store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were, she said, "Aisle B, Back"

Boss: “Hey send me one of your funny jokes” I said “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later” He replied “Ha that was hilarious, Send me another one”

I’ve never believed in chiropractors, but now I stand corrected.

What do you call a fish that practices medicine? A sturgeon.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.

A steak pun is a rare medium, done well.

How did the piano get locked out of its car? It lost its keys.

What would you say if you had breakfast with the pope? Eggs, Benedict?

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep biting him. I should have known this would happen. He's pure bread.

It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45-minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering.

I'm friends with all electricians. We have current connections.

What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble 0-7.

My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type. As he was dying, he kept telling us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels spinning.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."

Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it.

What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.

You hear about that new movie constipation? It never came out

What do you call a good looking pig? DaHaam

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto

My wife and I share the same sense of humour. We have to....She doesn't have one.

What’s Behtovens favorite fruit? Banananananaaaaaa

How do computers get drunk? They take screenshots.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prince